Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
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me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
guys I’m going home
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
*power walks to the refrigerator*
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.