me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
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[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”