[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
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I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Do not levitate over flowers
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial