@darlingadora

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

You Might Also Like

@ThisOneSayz

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

@Elizasoul80

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

@AtticusFinch79

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

@Jandalize

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

@noog

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

@Grommit56

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

@humanaaron

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

@chuuew

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!