me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
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It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.