me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
You Might Also Like
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Bond. Trauma bond.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.