ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
You Might Also Like
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
A little too much information.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
They got Raph!
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*