[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
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SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
cyclists
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Meth is short for Elizameth.