Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
You Might Also Like
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things