Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
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Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
figuring out my emotional availability:
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.