Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
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7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.