Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
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Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Stick it to the man
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
“i am a sweet baby”