me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
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Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Imma just leave this here…………
<—- homeless romantic
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
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My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.