Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Happy Friday

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art

we did it you guys we saved daylight

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

(yawn)

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.