Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
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Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.