Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
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Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.