Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
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“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
New Tinder profile.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles