Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
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Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.