me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
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WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”