me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
You Might Also Like
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Rambo Rambow
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”