Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.