Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
For the ones in the back.
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.