Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
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I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps