@AnOrangeSNES I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
@protolalia Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
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@AnOrangeSNES 
@its_me_your_mom if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
@andamentalist If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
@krisv_723 Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
@minkpinkustink relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
@Breadery Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
@SondraDeeMe By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
@ieatanddrink “I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
@mcdadstuff Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
@QueenVofCoffee Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.