Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

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I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.


if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more


Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.


Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.


By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.


“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”


Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.


Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.