I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
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if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.