me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
You Might Also Like
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Worst perfume name ever.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.