Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
You Might Also Like
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]