Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
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It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Well well well…
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..