Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
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Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.