me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

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*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.


I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?


If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.


At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.


Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.


Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?



The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots


Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.


when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”