me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
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Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Oh no
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?