Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
You Might Also Like
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don鈥檛 leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that鈥檒l be $40,000
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No, Grandma; you can鈥檛 pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room馃槒
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don鈥檛 like that food anymore
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you鈥檙e like glad i missed out on that shit
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 馃幎if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 馃幎Hi HOOOOOO
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.