Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields