ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
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if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.