Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
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pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
i want to work in this restaurant
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Every time.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.