Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
You Might Also Like
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.