Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
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The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I’m already scared
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over