me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born