ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.