ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
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When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*