ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him