@SvnSxty

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

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@EmmECarroll

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

@bigpoppadrunk

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

@Kendragarden

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

@kelkulus

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

@figgled

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

@fro_vo

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

@Cheeseboy22

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

@CherBear162

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

@bea_ker

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’