me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.