*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.


wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!


GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess


Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁


*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*


Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem


Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.


Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?


NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.