*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
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I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
You learn something every day
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer