me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
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You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.