Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
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Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
That eye roll….
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.