@mstern68

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

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@PoodleSnarf

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

@KimmyMonte

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

@Kadayo_Takamini

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

@JoParkerBear

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

@squirrel74wkgn

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

@PhilJamesson

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

@KimmyMonte

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

@mattkoff

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

@StoneAgeRadio13

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.