Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
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Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not