Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable


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I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet


Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean


Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.


My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.


Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please


me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT


It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.


“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter


The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.