me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
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Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you