Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
You Might Also Like
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are