ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
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[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?