Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof