ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
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I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Breaking news:
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Ape together strong
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.