Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
necessity is the mother of invention
Thursday
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.