me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
You Might Also Like
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…